THE ILLUSION OF MARRIAGE

What does Lengdung knows about marriage? Honestly, I don’t know anything. I’ve never been married and have never taken time to adequately read marriage materials. I’ve read the little I’ve seen and listen to the minor sermons on marriage. As much as possible, I’ve dodge many marriage talks in our church.

In this field, I am only a learner. My only qualification for writing this is what I’ve seen.

Apostle Joshua Selman have said that the main reason why people don’t married early is because of wrong ideas about marriage. Well, he is correct. I also add that the major reason why many people get married early is because of wrong idea about marriage.

Young men borrow in order to get married to their lovers, ladies have always had to go out of their way in order to appeal to a man, the society claps for those who get married early and they gossip about them when their families are not living happy, the society insults a woman when she does not give birth early and they insult her when her child is wayward, the same society that have been asking you “When are you getting married?” is the same one that is telling “Leave that marriage home” and the very church that joined the wedding is the same that never prays for you for your marriage to strive except when someone is dead.

The illusions of marriage have been multiplied. My problem is not even the rate of divorce, my problem is the rate of unhappy homes. Divorce and unhappy homes could be avoided, if there was no marriage in the first place. We are talking about unhappy homes and divorces simply because there was weddings. Homes go a long way in affecting the life of a child. The home is the life of a child. It shapes his entire life. Can’t we save these children the pain of witnessing unhappy homes?

These problems facing the 21^st Century couples and singles is not unconnected with the media. The media is the highest influencer of this age. A lady watches a movie of 1 hour 30 minute, within that short span, the main character gets married to almost four guys. Within the short span, a man meets a lady (according to the movie, they date for a year) and they are married. The movie does not show us the struggles in the home, the anger of the man, the childishness of the lady and the hypocrisy of the society. All we see are the beaches, the gardens, the kisses, the wedding and the sex scenes. The onlooker, now picks that very imaginary thing, that illusion that even the actors could not do in real, and makes it his reality.

When I was around 15-18, I always told people that my wedding will take place in a plane, the reception in a train and the honey moon on a ship. Now that I’m older, the whole idea of wedding has changed and radically for that matter. Sorry to say, but I don’t value weddings anymore. Apologies to her, I am not looking forward to a grand wedding.

Everyone wants his wedding to be the talk of the town, the gown, the number of maids, the colour of the event, the guest and if you are in Jenta or some kind of place like ours, the quantity of food. In these shallow and vainglorious mindset, you forget the very reason why you are getting wedded – MARRRIAGE. The illusions of marriage presented by our films, supported by the society and preached by our parents. The hastiness of getting wedded, the lack of knowledge of each other, the crave of sexual engulfment, the absence of real councilors (not those that tell you the challenges of 17^th Century marriage and forget to mention anything about how the media can change your marriage), the disappearance of mentors, the love of wrong things, the applause of carnality, the lack of family relationship and the chasing away of God has left 21^st Century marriage more like American Films in a Nigerian setting.

Too sad, that many people dive into marriage with so many illusions. The illusions that your man will love you every day, the illusions that he will carry you every night, the illusion that getting married early is God’s sign of victory over your life, the illusion of having the best wedding in town, the illusion that raising children can be done by a nanny, the illusion that marriage is an automatic ticket to super kids, the illusion that money is the first qualification for a happy home, the illusion that “Philippian Films” can be what you will experience, the illusion that a woman need a man to be called successful, the illusion that the highest safeguard of a woman is a husband, the illusion that the sole purpose of life is children, the illusion that your wife could be handled by beating, the illusion that all it takes to get married is love, the illusion that marriage is a must and the illusion that marriage is a means of showing that you are capable and fit. All these illusions, and many more, have plagued the singles of these age. In the words of Ravi Zacharias, we have acted the scripts or our novels, we have replayed the movies into our lives, and we have become the actors of a script that the authors created out of imagination that was unpleasant to them. They presented it to us because they couldn’t hold it within them and couldn’t act it themselves. Sweet words are what we use to shift the conversation from what is important, the music in town does not even give us the chance to reason.

If online media founders decide to share with us the number  “Sweet Hearts” “Honey” “My Love” “My Baby” “I love you” “ I will take you to paradise” we will dumbfounded and we will find it difficult to believe that this world is in short supply of love. One time I told her that, I do not look forward to a 21^st Century love fantasy that is supported by 17^th Century love poems. We stole the words of Remeo, of Shakespeare, of Chesterton, etc and we left their exhibition of real love. Saying “I love you” no longer require deep thoughts.

Pornography has sealed our minds on sex, and the “Sexual advertisement” by our ladies have been appealing. Sex is cheap, real love is expensive and marriage provides it by COMPULSION.

Where has this brought? It has taken us Far East of Eden, the farthest generation from Eden from God is ours. Is this surprising? No. The home has always been where God was first encountered. Whether in form of religion, or a form of conviction, the home is bedrock of the church and the society.

Should we settle for this and just say like some lazy Christians, “it is part of the end time, we can do nothing about it”? I don’t agree to that.

There are three things we can do (and many more):

1.       Separate illusions from real life. You must remind yourself again and again that life is bigger and hotter than Hollywood or Nollywood. Philippian films are lying, a man will not always be happy with you. And the best weddings are not the surest way to a best marriage. Don’t let the society decide what you think about marriage, most of what they are saying is false. Understand that the no man can give you endless love, except God. If sex is all you’ve seen, that’s all you will do in marriage. Watch something else, watch Finding Nemo, watch Think Big, watch Queen of Katwe, and watch something that will help you. And “have you read….” What Is “Written…….”?

2.       Find your purpose. Make a living for yourself. Build yourself. Marriage is not all there is to life, there are other things. There is friendship, there is changing the world to do, there is solving world problems, there is climate challenge to attend to, there is helping the poor, there is building the community, and there is preaching the gospel. Don’t sit in your Castle waiting for Prince Charming. Go out and make a life, help others to make a life too. Young man, marriage is not the next thing after getting that job. Count the cost. Show love to other kids, that way you will learn to love yours better. Understand marriage. It’s not wedding.

3.       Listen to God. Follow God. Chase God. Those who chase God do not have time to chase wedding. Wedding comes to them naturally. Having a balanced spiritual life and a social, mental, financial and intellectual life is the fastest way to get a wife. When Adam was ready, Eve came naturally. When Ruth was ready, Boaz came for her. You don’t have to build your life chasing “marriage”. Sister, “getting a man” was not part of the “to do list”, but “Serving God and obeying His Command is the first on the list”, why not do that one?

Listening to God and you will get your “Rebekah”, your “Eve” or your “Katherine Martin Luther”. And also understanding marriage, will help you build a home. Keep away illusions.

One day you may exclaim like Martin Luther, “In domestic affairs, I defer to Katie (His Wife). Otherwise, I am led by the Holy Spirit." These ones built a home, a real home. You can build one too. Read Martin Luther’s Story.

And By the way, who said marriage is a must if you are not ready?