THOUGHTS ON FATHERHOOD

You see, my dad is Roman, if not, at least the last original Roman citizen of the 1st century. Stoic and disciplined. He believes in hard work, and he does that with all his energy. Another thing he believes in is education. My dad’s commitment to education is total. Maybe he does this because he knows how much the lack of it has deprived of somethings in this life.

As I wrote in a previous post, my dad was not very present in my childhood years. But as soon as my mum left the scene, he became a dominant feature- he stepped up to the responsibilities with zeal. I have never thought that he could handle it. For me, he did very well, more than I expected or thought. My elder sister and I were in institutions far from home, the younger were ranging from the age of 11-4. My dad became the cook for the house. Each time he returned homework he would cook the lunch for them and make sure they ate. Dad believed that the best way to make us not remember our mum was to make sure he was there for us, and he was.

You see, even in those days I still carried the gene of human stupidity. One particular graduation, I called him around 8 AM and told him my school had graduation. When I called he was on the farm, he told me so. About 4 hours later he was in my school, present for graduation. His presence at the graduation was not something I desperately desired, I think I just got a phone from a senior that morning and I wanted to just use without thinking of the implications. That event taught me how much we meant for our father. My dad didn’t have a car, he lived in Jos, I schooled in Bokkos (1-2 drive), and it was sheer stupidity to tell him of graduation on graduation day.

One of the remarkable impacts my dad had on me was how much he respected me. Living in Jenta and hearing the stories of families around automatically shapes one’s thought on what to expect and think of family, the image didn’t come along with fathers deeply respecting their sons to that level. Each time I was home in the years after school, he would come around to consult on an issue. He would seek my opinion on everything, he would ask what I thought and he would listen. Because he respected me, it helped me see myself in a new light. Being respected has a trigger effect of making one an adult, I became an adult. Two days he was consulting with me on something related to his house, tomorrow he may be consulting on why he thinks I should build a house around Angwan Jarawa rather than in some other place. And he offers free advice, a lot. Well, I listen to all of them.

I’m a very idiot person, intuitive and proactive. That’s a sharp difference with me and pops, consulting was his method. Me, I go ahead and we talk about it later. One day, he came home and realized I was repainting his house. The entire house, well, that was when I told him I think the house needs to repaint. This is a subtle example of other actions like that. But in all this, my dad has supported these decisions. He has stood by my decisions even when he didn’t understand them. The statement is that he believed in me. He may not understand me, but he believes me. That, my friends, is an exceptional trait. In this part of the world, family’s support is not common and family believing in what you want to do with your life is rare. I have all of this. My dad’s support for me is not just something he does for me because I’m male, he does the same for my sisters, especially in terms of career path. He let us all have a field day. Is that what you want? Go for it. Actually, my dad always thought I was going to be a doctor or an engineer until I wrote JAMB, that’s when he realized I have chosen the computer path.

Another thing I learned from my dad is how to disagree. You see, the fact that he supported me or believed me doesn’t mean he agreed with me. Most times, he doesn’t. He disagrees with the decision, but he supports me; those are two different things. It’s saying “Although I wouldn’t have done this if I was in your shoes, I will support you since this is the path you choose”. Each time I go into arguments with folks, the first image that comes to my mind is my father. His unique style of remaining silent in the face of disagreement has helped me see that when everyone is shouting, no communication is taking place. There are times in my room when we would both seat and he would talk for minutes without me responding, another time it will be me talking without him responding. In the end, we will both declare our support for the decision and then say good night. This is our way of disagreeing, and at the same not hurting the other party simply because we disagreed.

Dad is a hot-tempered man, can easily flare to anger, and rarely likes anything new or change. Of course, he’s a stoic. A real roman soldier. If Dad is a Roman Soldier, I am a MOSSAD agent, the difference in generation/values will always clash, but it is a tribute to him that we’ve never had a bad row.

He’s not one who forgets kind gestures, he always appreciates them and tries to pay back. He is one who believes in honor. He says a good name is better than riches. I tell him, a good name and riches is the path I am following, I am not choosing either-or.

You see, if I find myself being a better father (and I will be, by God’s grace), it is because I have seen this man show me where to begin.

First I watched him defend us during the crisis years, I saw him being a loving husband to his wife, I saw him commit to our wellbeing as he led our family, and then I watched support me as I chart my way through life. So much for an imperfect man! He’s a true father!

But you see, the reason I will not be like my dad is that although the values of fatherhood remain the same, being a father in ancient Rome is different from being a father in the 21st-century global world.

For me and Father, Father’s day is December 31st, I write him letters every year on that day. It is my way of saying thank you and narrating the things I am grateful to him for all he’s doing for me.

I will be the first to tell you that I will not be a Father like mine. I will be different and better.

Happy Father’s Day to an ordinary man who taught me extraordinary lessons of life.